One year later, I’m still the same.
I hate myself right now. It took me almost a year to get out of the ditch that I helped dig for myself. One year later, I’m doing it again. When will I learn?
♣ Four Leaf Clover
Malin. Been around for 23 years. Country code: +63. BSA grad from DLSU-Manila. CPA. Greedy?
Open water diver training is expensive. How I wish it’s raining $$$. God I’m not greedy for money. I just want lots of money to finance my wanderlust. (So, in the end, I’m still considered greedy - greedy for adventures!)
Your Diary
I have come into the possession of someone’s diary. I didn’t steal it, it was given to me by someone, let’s say, who is very crafty. It was given to me at the height of our vexation with the author.
At that time it was funny to hack someone. A revenge of sorts but seemingly hollow. It felt good to have something so precious you can use against someone when the time is right. Except that the right time never came. I should never use it against someone, being also a person who owns numerous journals that I would rather keep private. I own several blogs in the www and yet I feel the need to have a journal that I keep away from everyone. Maybe it was the reason that I never had the hunger to read his/her diary. It just felt wrong to me peering into someone else’s private affairs.
For months, I have kept the file. Something that I know could be a weapon that I shouldn’t have in the first place. Today, I opened the file. I tried reading one entry. I know I should be as engrossed as when I was reading The Diary of Anne Frank but sadly it was not appetizing to me. It’s not the writing style. Believe me, that person is better than a lot of people I know when it comes to writing. It’s just that I know I don’t have the right to do this however impossible that person was to me before.
So I did something I should have done months ago - I deleted it.
Photo Credit: Flickr / Vofan
Damn, I hate waiting! Maybe a lot of you know already, I don’t have that much patience. I’m supposed to get the good news yesterday. Today, I was ready to ask them what has happened. Then suddenly, the manager texted me that they’re still processing my papers and that they hope I haven’t signed any offers yet. I haven’t. What’s taking them so long? My stomach is now perpetually in knots thinking that they must be entertaining other applicants. But the other side of my head is telling me that the manager wouldn’t even bother texting me if that’s the case, instead HR would be the one to tell me that processing is still on going. I keep holding on to that wonderful thing that the HR Head tole me that the IA Head really likes me and that’s also the reason that I wasn’t interviewed by the President anymore because the IA Head vouched for my skills.
Please please please. Let me have this.
Brownout right now. I wish I have marshmallow to toast.
One of the rare times when a barista gets my name right.
I HATE YOU WITH A FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS.
I’ll not shed a tear when you are gone.
Everyday
The truth is, it’s hard to wake up everyday. Everyday is a battle inside of me. “Should I stay here? Why am I feeling weak? I feel so depressed. I should drink my meds, it would help me. I should get up.” That’s my everyday. I tell some people I’m feeling this, I don’t know if they truly understand. But then again, I am thankful for the mental strength that I have for making the decision to get up. Everyday.
iCovet Mila Kunis’ earrings in Black Swan. Too bad they cost $200, sana Forever 21 has them.
This is our 7 going on 8 months black labrador retriever, Dorota. All of us adore her even though she sometimes eats our shoes.
This has got to end.
I’ve been an insufferable emo kid for the past few entries. Maybe it’s the meds but I got to stop wallowing in misery before I spiral into depression. I’m a happy person by nature soo…Think happy thoughts. Like puppies with fluffy ears.
via @tweetitow
Listen.
I guess I shouldn’t be taking it against anyone when they don’t notice that you have seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth. Life is complicated, it’s a jungle out there and it’s a day to day fight for your survival. How they can even notice you? Even care about you?
But I digress.
I find it annoying repeating and repeating everything that I have said. Yes, I know that people care (or they seem to be). But sometimes I find it insincere when people ask about me only to forget about it in 2 seconds then ask me again. Why even bother to be concerned about my well-being when you don’t really give a hoot about my situation? Don’t even mind pretending because I can feel it.
See, I can detect sarcasm, false pretenses, condescension, patronization, etc. Sometimes, too easily. Then I start to hate the person.
And this is happening for a while now. I’ve been talking and talking and they hear me but I don’t think no one really hears me, let alone understand me.
(Source: farm1.static.flickr.com)
